Answers.

If there's one thing I have always done in a crisis, it's to arm myself with as much education and knowledge as I can about the situation.  I think that's why I was so adamant about genetic testing for our miscarried baby.  I was nervous about how those answers would translate emotionally, but I'm happy to say the answers gave me some closure.  Not closure to forget my baby, but closure to understand and move forward; a sense of peace. 

Here are those answers:

Our baby was a girl.
She was missing an entire X chromosome.
Normal female chromosomes are 46XX, my baby was 45X
This represents Turner Syndrome.
99% (!) of babies with this chromosome pattern miscarry in the first trimester.
7-15% of all miscarriages in the first trimester are due to Turner Syndrome
It has nothing to do with maternal age.
The chances of recurrence are exceedingly rare.
It was a complete fluke that occurred shortly after conception.

What is Turner Syndrome?  Well, that's a loaded question, because most babies (all are born female) have a mixture of normal chromosomes (46XX) and abnormal (45X) chromosomes that allow them to make it to a live birth.  Like I mentioned before, 99% of fully abnormal chromosomal babies (like mine) never make it past the first trimester.  The 1% that do or those with a mixture of normal and abnormal chromosomes have an array of health problems:

-major heart defects (most require surgery early in life)
-kidney problems
-blood pressure problems
-short stature (requiring growth hormones)
-obesity
-varying developmental delay
-feeding problems in infancy
-hearing loss
-are infertile
-scoliosis
-few enter puberty without the help of hormone medications
-thyroid dysfunction
-etc.

We live in an amazing world of technology that gives us the ability to explain such "unexplainable" losses.  Even if I would have carried to term and gave birth to my girl, I would have mourned the death of the little girl I had dreamed of and the "normal" life I would have wanted for her.  I know, now, that this is nature's way of selecting the healthiest babies to survive.  In many ways, I'm now thankful my body understood (that feels really strange to say...), even though what I went through was horrendous.  The reality is that I always imagined a very healthy, "normal" baby that I had lost.  Don't get me wrong, you would have *never* met a more committed mom and dad to a chronically ill kiddo...but...well....ugh....I just hope you understand what I am trying to say.  I still love my lost little girl endlessly. 

What all this info gave me is the ability to "let go"....to let go of the idea that I did something wrong or I exposed her to something I shouldn't have or that I might accidentally repeat the same mistake in the next pregnancy, and on and on.  That's just not the case at all....this happened at conception and had nothing to do with anything I did during the pregnancy.  It was a complete fluke of genetic material not joining properly. 

I will still be sad at times.  I will still remember my little Halloween baby.  I will still wish I never had to experience this loss, but the ultimate truth is: there was something very wrong with our little girl. 

Knowledge is power.

A sense of peace has overcome our family.