EDD

Today,

October 31, 2011,

I was due to give birth to my second daughter.

Instead, exactly 7 months ago, I found out her heart stopped beating inside me.

I wrote this the next day.

I am forever changed because of this experience.

f.o.r.e.v.e.r.

It has been an impossibly difficult 7 months.

And the anticipation of this day was torturous.

I'm hoping this milestone passing will allow even more healing and a change in focus.

I am heartbroken to say that we are not pregnant again.

After 4 failed fertility treatment cycles, we are continuing to push for our rainbow baby.

I miss my naive outlook on pregnancy.

I miss my excitement when I see another newborn.

I miss my joy for another woman's pregnancy announcement.

I miss my little girl.

e.n.d.l.e.s.s.l.y

Somewhere, right now, another family is finding out they will not carry their pregnancy to term. 

May they be granted peace and acceptance of what feels so impossible to overcome.

(thank you to every single person in my life who has shown me compassion and has been brave enough to bring up the topic.  I know its not easy, but validation and acknowledgement of my pregnancy and its failing is all I have ever wanted.)

Pumpkin

My little pumpkin.

I mean.....is she a doll or what?!

Holidays and kids = winning combination!!

Pumpkin seeds are in the oven!

Too fun!

My girl.

I tend to take pictures of everyone else with my little Leigh-bug, but I forget to get those special shots just with mommy.

Here's a few of us over the last few days. 

(Yep, I cut bangs (all by myself, on a whim) 2 nights ago...loving them!)

Ry-Guy

Leighton has taken a liking to Daddy's friend Ryan....

And he, apparantly has taken a liking to princess crowns!

A-D-O-R-A-B-L-E!

Love you Ryan! 

(thanks for sharing this photo, Danielle...I stole it from FB!)

Diva Party

Leighton was invited to her first "Diva" party: complete with yogurt facials, hair, nails, dancing, tea party and glitter making.

Happy 6th birthday to Miss Trinity!

Ready to go...we had a Halloween event later that evening (more on that later)

Birthday girl opening Leighton's present

More princess poses prior to the party (too cute not to share!)

Such a girlie girl!

Life.

Life has taken ahold of us...and the blog has taken a back seat. 

But the good news, is I'm back today (with a few posts in reverse order, of course!)

Here's a photo dump of what been a-happenin' in the Lassak household:

Princess dress = dance time!  The girl loves Selena Gomez and Demi Lavato

Pink day at school! (they did the hair color...eek!) for Breast Cancer Awareness

Date night for mom at dad at the Diamondbacks playoff game!

Cousin time at Chick-Fil-A; yes they my coordinated those outfits all alone

My independent girl and her letter board.  Love to be outside!

San Tan Flats

The weather has been gorg....so the Aupperles (plus a little girl they were watching) invited us to a little outdoor dinner and dancing at San Tan Flats.  It is so sterotypical of Arizona (cowboys, dirt, and cactus)....but its a blast! 

Tay, Jordyn, Leigh (with glow sticks)

Uncle Dave and Leighton

Jon and Dave

Sister and Brother...so cute!



Me, Jordyn, and my niece Taylor



And my fave...Leigh and her Auntie

(As always, thanks Summie for taking the great photos of our evening together!)

2nd day

It was great, too!! 

I won't post every day about preschool, but sometimes the 2nd day is even more important than the first.

I didn't cry today (thank goodness!)

Leighton has yet to cry about it (big girl!)

A friend of mine from elementary school, who is now a psychologist said children that can leave their parents and be apprehensive, but still content is a sign of "secure attachment" and she added "good job, mama!"

Is that the best compliment ever?!  I say so!

(kudos to daddy too!)

Here is a picture the preschool director emailed me today (at work!)

What a special treat to see a photo of her at snack time: laughing and chatting with her new friend!!

1st day!

Leighton was super excited this morning for her first day.  Then, as we got to preschool, she became a little apprehensive and shy, but quickly sat down with the other kids and started to color on marker boards and play with blocks. 

As Jon and I left, I started to tear up and cry...I was so worried she would feel alone or not fit it, but Jon called (for me) a couple hours later and she was in "circle time" and doing "great".

I am so proud of her.  I'll be calling again at noon to check on her!

What a big girl!

6 months

6 months....a half year.

I lost my baby Livvi 6 months ago.

Time flies even if you aren't having fun..

Her due date is 30 days away...and I'm anxious.

I want to be pregnant again.

I want to memorialize her.

I want my living daughter to enjoy that day despite my sadness.

6 months later...

I still would do anything to have that pregnancy back.

I should have a big huge belly...I want that

Big

Huge

Belly.

Xoxo my little love.