That was me 2 weeks ago....IV in place, waiting for the surgeon and the anesthesiologist to come in. (see my list waiting on my lovely hat...that's all my questions). It was also before I had the confirmation ultrasound.
What I want to know is...why the hell do I look so happy...I was so incredibly sad that day with a million and one emotions rolling through me. I had cried so many times that morning and many more the day before. I was scared of anesthesia and scared some crazy fluke would happen and I would wake up with a hysterectomy and not just a D&C (dilation of cervix and curretage (scraping). I am so annoyed at this photograph...how dare I smile on a day like that. There was nothing...absolutely nothing joyous or cheerful about that moment in time. Ugh....struggles. I wish I would have made the scared, sad face....that was the true emotion behind that goofy smile. Maybe Jon asked me to smile...(I can't remember.)
Either way, it's been 2 weeks. 2 long weeks. It feels like it has been months, which in a way, is a good thing. It means I'm moving forward. It means I'm healing.
Still awaiting test results...not sure what that will do to me emotionally; could be reassuring, could be terribly disappointing. We'll cross that bridge when we get there. Let the healing continue.
3 comments:
Hey Chan.. so they say, time heals all wounds.. I can say with total confidence that while the wound may heal, the heart still remembers.. and that memory can be a good thing.. in time.. Keep the faith girly.. your friends and family are with ya!
Love you.
You know, right after I had confirmation that I was having a miscarriage- we went to Wendy's. (Matthew needed to eat, and life goes on...)I was so sad and crying but all I could do was make stupid jokes about being able to drink 10 large cokes if I wanted. I think I did drink a few. I was laughing about it. Not that it was funny or even that I was in a good mood- because I was not. But what else can you do?
Mark had to go to this big benefit dinner the night I started having the miscarriage. He had to give a speech and shake donor's hands and pretend everything was wonderful- even though it was not.
Your baby wants you to be happy. Your baby knows you love him or her with all of your being. Your baby will be waiting to give you hugs when the time comes for you to join him or her.
This is what I kept telling myself last year when it was happening and what I keep telling myself to this day.
Don't be mad that you were smiling in this picture. I am sure you were just "laughing" at the ridiculousness of the situation. You were "laughing" and "smiling" because you and Jon would have rather been almost anywhere else in the world. You took a picture to remember the day (as if you needed help to remember...) but it is important.
Even as I am holding my wonderful little boy- I still think of the ones who I am not holding.
Good things will happen for you. You will get through this and then have more little adorable babies. Love you!
Proud of your strength, Channy...
Post a Comment