Belly Envy

Yesterday evening was a weird step back in my healing process.  I have been doing so well over the last month with the miscarriage....but then I made a mistake.  As a friend of mine would say "an epic mistake":  I calculated how far along I would have been, if I was still pregnant. 

19 weeks, coming up on 20 weeks.

It hit me hard.  I didn't even realize that it hurt until I was jogging last night and tears suddenly started streaming.  Running + crying = not easy. 

Why did it bug me?  I'll tell you why:

1. It's the half-way mark of pregnancy
2. It's around the time you can find out the gender
(I wonder if my wish to keep it a surprise or my hubs wish to find out would have won out)
3. It is the same time that I took my first "belly shot" when I was pregnant with Miss L.

And to make matters worse....I searched diligently through the blog to find the picture:

Me preggo with Miss L at 19 weeks

I want my belly back.  I want my pregnancy back.  I want my little girl back.  I want Leighton's sibling back.

It. Still. Stings.